I want to share my testimony about how God healed me from severe, severe mental illness. Severe mental illness. I mean, I was suicidal at least three to four times a year. I had panic attacks regularly. I would feel just overwhelmed by the tiniest things. I had PTSD from my past. I had a very abusive past from family and a lot of other things. I came from religion as well. I knew about God, but it was in a very distorted way and it just really hurt my life.
I didn’t know how to get out of the mess I was in. And I was in church the whole time I was going through all of this. I was in church worshiping God, doing my thing. And then literally the next day at home, trying to take my life. Or growing up, we would be in church, I was an assistant pastor’s kid, and then go home to see my parents literally having fights and arguments. No kids should see police arriving because of how bad the abuse and how bad the things and the trauma we went through. And so, very broken, very distorted.
I didn’t know my way out because I knew religion. I knew church. So if I didn’t get help and I was at church doing all the right things on a Sunday or on a Wednesday or whatever, and then I went home and still went through super difficult, dark, horrifying things for me, that means there’s no hope, because God is in our life and it’s not happening.
And that’s what I went through for so long until finally I couldn’t take it anymore, until finally I think my body just literally was done. And I knew I needed help. I sat on the roof of my house in Puerto Rico and where I’m from, I looked up at the stars and I said, “God, I don’t wanna lose my husband. I don’t wanna lose my daughter because this is getting worse.” The episodes were getting worse. I mean, scary episodes. I would run away. My husband would find me in situations that no husband should have to come to after work. You know, I was in a place where he was starting to feel fear now because now I have a child. It was very difficult. And I didn’t want this for me. It wasn’t truly who I was, but I didn’t know how to get this sticky–because that’s what mental illness can be like. It’s this sticky thing that it’s like you can’t just take it off or let it go. It’s just almost even a part of you when you have it this long. I didn’t know what else to do. And finally I surrendered on the roof of my house. “God, I give you my life. I don’t know what else to do. I give you full control and just, I need the real you, not the one I grew up with that I just get confused about. No, you. Who are you? You right now, this moment. I know you love me and I really don’t know where I’m gonna be if you don’t come and help.”
And from there, my life changed forever. Just my surrender alone started something that it was just, once He starts and He is ready to heal you, and He’s ready to deliver you, there’s no stopping it. Nothing can get in the way. And so that hunger, that readiness, is what did it. And now I can say I have been two years without one panic attack, without one depression episode, without me trying to take my life, not even one time. Without any more craziness or things that I was going through.
I am healed. I am fully healed. And it all started with my surrender. One by one, God started healing one thing at a time. And so I pray that God does that for you. I am a standing miracle. I can tell you, I mean my husband can tell you, everyone close to me. My best friend that had to literally fly all the way from America to Puerto Rico where I was, because I got the worst I ever was. She had to come from an emergency to over there to help me so I would still be here living and being a mother. It was that bad that; they could tell you. It was just the norm and it was getting worse. And I can tell you now, and literally it just turned around.
There is hope for you if you’re going through something similar. If you know someone that has mental illness or that is struggling really hard emotionally, spiritually or just, they just can’t get out of where they are. There is hope. There is hope. I pray that you are able to break in His hands, that it’s way better to break in His hands and let Him do what He wants to do with you and fully heal you and restore you, rather than you holding on so tight trying not to break. That’s what I did for so many years. Trying not to break, I held on, and it was getting worse. Breaking in His hands is way better than holding on onto something that you are scared for it to fall apart. Fall apart in His hands. He’s so ready to heal you, deliver you, and restore you.